It’s mid-November so you won’t be surprised to read that I’ve already heard five ‘Greatest Christmas Anthems of ALL TIME’ albums whilst I’ve been trying to buy some eggs. The only difference this year is that my tutting is less audible due to my mask.
And before you start calling me by the name of various Christmas hating characters – I like Christmas. I do. I just like it at Christmas time. The same goes for the songs.
There are some great Christmas songs. Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade is a perfect Christmas song. It’s fun; it’s loud; there’s a tinge of sadness but most importantly there’s a man with big sideburns screaming well-wishes from the back of his throat. I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday by Wizzard is also a great tune (or choon as the young people say). The miming in the video is truly awful in an endearing way and its nice to see Roy Wood on the telly so you can be reminded to do the annual Google as to whether he’s still about. That’s not to say I perpetuate the sentiment of the song though.
I’ve just noticed that both of the examples I’ve chosen there have their origins in Birmingham. I don’t know what that means necessarily. Maybe the flat-vowelled accent just lends itself to a tinsel-infused belter.
If you’re not a fan of the accent (literally everyone) then worry not; people outside of the West Midlands have made a musical pension plan too. In a non-existent survey that I don’t need to carry out because I already know the outcome of – all people will say ‘Fairytale of New York’ by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl is the ultimate xmas tune. When you watch the Christmas song countdowns, on about the 15th of December, of all the same songs that featured last year and the same ones that Shakespeare used as inspiration for his sonnets – it’ll always come out on top.
Again, I don’t necessarily have a problem with this. It’s a great song that makes you feel better about the year as a whole and better about the state of your teeth. And as the year hasn’t been particularly good and we haven’t been able to go to the dentist – it’ll be all the more poignant.
I just don’t want to hear them yet. You wouldn’t have a nativity service in October. You wouldn’t attach obnoxious flashing lights to the outside of your house in June. And if this was any other year I was going to say you wouldn’t start singing ‘Happy Birthday’ when it wasn’t someone’s birthday- so why would you play Christmas music when it isn’t Christmas- but that’s how we wash our hands now so maybe you would. Maybe ‘Jingle Bells’ will be the new soapy sing-a-long; who knows?
I just can’t take any form of Christmas before December. My housemates have erected a tree and adorned it with glittery tat already and I ignore it like it’s a Brexit-supporting family member in the corner of the room. Obviously they noticed my aversion to its apparent unbridled joy and started the saccharine songs. At this point, I shut myself in the kitchen and enjoyed the calming whirr of the extractor fan.
To summarise: they make me itch, twitch and bitch. The melodies. The lyrics. The bells. The jumpers. I’m intolerant to them at all other points in the year and anyone who tries to convince me I’m wrong – at least do it with mince pies and Baileys.
By Adam Baker
Feature Image Credit: Vox