Gareth Southgate today submitted his 55-strong provisional World Cup squad to the powers that be at FIFA towers in Zürich, Switzerland.
With the names on this extended list kept purely private between Southgate, Gianni Infantino and some FIFA HR interns, it takes extra special press access to get hold of them.
Don’t ask me how, but I have secured this list.
Amid widespread public fears that England can barely even scrape together 26 talented players, let alone 55, it would only be fair to allay these concerns.
In a threat to my career, then, I shall leak to you the headline-grabbing selections from said squad.
Southgate’s selection criteria were simple; those who will be available in November and December, who are comfortable with the ethical worries of staying in Qatar, and who are willing to give everything for their country.
It explains a whole lot from his picks…
Liz Truss and Suella Braverman
Fresh out of their day jobs, this duo will be looking to keep themselves warm this winter.
The best way to do that? Accept Southgate’s offer of a trip to sunny Qatar, of course.
Liz Truss has had a rough time of it during her 44 days as Prime Minister, but do you think the timing of her resignation is a coincidence? I don’t…
She’s capable of more turns than Cruyff and is a stickler for dressing room rules; she always ensures she brings her own pair of flip-flops for the showers.
She might not be the Qataris’ favourite after her previous relationship with Saudi Arabia, but if she can convince them of the qualities of British cheese, then she might be onto a winner.
Braverman, meanwhile, may not gel well with members of the ‘tofu-eating wokerati’ in the squad such as Marcus Rashford, Raheem Sterling and Jordan Henderson, but her commitment to shoring up the country’s defences was too big a draw for the pragmatic Southgate.
Kwasi Kwarteng and Boris Johnson
Having messed up his figures and been asked to fall on his sword, Kwarteng’s been rather down in the dumps this week.
The England set-up has been extremely welcoming of under-performing talent recently, though, and with Kwarteng having missed out on the chance to properly meet the Americans when his recent official visit was cut short, a run-out in the group stage was thought ideal for his recovery.
Boris Johnson, meanwhile, needs no introduction to England fans.
Already a defender of the faith in kraut-cutting showcases before, he’s back to offend foreigners, extol homophobia and lay on the absolute best party possible if England win the darn thing.
Prince Andrew
Returning to form in style recently, Prince Andrew is on a charm offensive to restore his reputation.
This pick might have something to do with the new regime of King Charles III, with the monarchy keen to get Andrew back to match fitness, but if there is a stage to prove oneself it is certainly the World Cup.
Even if it fails as a selection, there’s at least the solace that Andrew won’t be the least popular member of the squad (*ahem* Harry Maguire *ahem*).
Richard Keys
Loved by the Qataris for his stints with state broadcasters Al Jazeera and beIN Sports alongside old mucker Andy Gray, Keys is from the old school of English football.
He’d get stuck in, not be afraid to use his mouth, and definitely deliver the dressing room ‘banter’ sadly all too lacking in the soft modern game to gee the rest of the boys up.
Nigel Farage and Ann Widdicombe
Never tiring of public duty, this pair would form a beautiful strike partnership, à la Crouch and Defoe.
After getting the UK out of Europe, they might as well get themselves involved in finding trade opportunities in the promised land of global opportunities, too, and showcase the best of British talent.
Sadly, they may not get much change out of the Qataris if the rest of the squad flop, but rumours of Donald Trump’s invite to the USA squad would mean a heart-warming reunion for the TV cameras.
Holly and Phil
Culturally insensitive, unapologetic and entitled, these ITV stalwarts would be fantastic ambassadors for the trip.
They somehow kept their jobs despite the public losing all faith in them recently, which Southgate is understood to be keen to hear more about (purely asking for a friend).
The Daily Star Lettuce
Made up of a dizzying constitution of nutrients and pesticides, the Daily Star lettuce that outlasted Liz Truss is a national hero.
We need at least one good egg on the plane, and with this cheery little chap there to remind everyone of the power of a simple vegetable, the squad should be fully motivated to reach their fullest potential.
Lee Mack
Picked purely for his penalty prowess, this ageing Lancastrian has been wheeled out for the Rest of the World team in Soccer Aid in recent years and displayed a villainous ability from the spot.
Competing for the country of his birth again, fingers are crossed that he can deliver the goods when it comes down to it – namely in our inevitable Quarter-Final shoot-out against France.
David Beckham
Finally, we need an established name to give our squad some credibility.
He fulfils all the necessary criteria, including being one of the few footballers our News Editor Adam can name, so he’s straight into the squad.
He has great relations with the Qataris as an ambassador for this World Cup, too, which can only be useful if the rumours of bribery coming into the final result are to be believed.
So there you have it – some very interesting selections.
Southgate is prepared for this to be his last tournament as England boss, and his picks certainly show it.
They still show more sense than other rumoured selections at the moment, though…
Feature Image Credit: Sky Sports YouTube