I don’t (self) care by Sebastian Noël

Every time I have the gall to feel dissatisfaction

At the cataclysmic pass rate I’ve achieved

That familiar advice pops into my inbox

The one that implies confidence is elixir

That unlocks all your wildest dreams and reels them in

And makes all forms of loneliness redundant

Of course, there’s a little summant in that

But I’ve been stargazing over the past few nights, and I wonder…

Is it so bad that it gets a little exhausting at times?

I know, lift your head high and all that

Take it from me: I’ve mastered the art

Of a love so selfish; Narcissus would blush

But it’s still a blow to your entire life

When your baby grimaces at your whole being

Cos it’s not the isolation that stings

That’s a wound well and truly self-inflicted

I’m not broken up about breaking up either

It’s the idea I’ve gone diving with the sharks again

And for the all the gashes and cuts, I’ve come up cheap

It’s that feeling that years of love won’t protect you

From your special one treating you like chewing gum

Just something to be spat out, when the flavour is unfamiliar

They’ll listen to enough whispers in the grapevine

Start to see your low maintenance in incredible highs

Start to tickle your guilt: For the unforgivable sin of being

No matter the years of memories and affection we’ve built

It can all come undone in a matter of minutes

Cos my autisticness starts to become noticeable

Cos after a bad day, my disorders are too intense

“Why can’t you perform these ultimately inconsequential

Social acts exactly the same as everyone else?”

That’s an easy one: Cos no one’s cared before you, honey

That’s the part that really starts to sting

You can make yourself better if you’re an arsehole

You can spruce yourself up if you’ve gotten in a rut

But how does one feasibly address a review like that?

Time and time again romance only serves to prove

You’re only good for a temporary pit stop

A source of thrill and spills, before it’s back to work

Cos no one like you is forever

So, my god, how I got self love in abundance

I got time for a staring contest with my reflection

I gotta reserve so much love from myself

Cos there’s no chance I’m getting any from my lovers

I daydream of the day that love comes with no drama

With someone who doesn’t wince at my neurology

Is it really an exercise in the art of surrender

To admit it leaves you tired every now and then?

Leaves you feeling an extra stone or two?

And after the fact, the idea of swimming for the social climate

Just to find another lover who leaves with a gag

After their vision starts to focus on who you really are?

Oh, it just leaves me feeling a little tired is all

Makes me wanna take the summer off

And catch up on all the sleep I’ve missed out on

But, of course, that just delays the issue

So, tell me how hard do I have to love myself?

Until someone sees that summant in me that I see

And how many people do I have to let down before I get there?

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